| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
I don't know what is wrong lately. I am scared. Scared of life, of love, of living. I cry everyday and sometimes don't even feel like getting out of bed to face the day. I am trying to find direction to my life and I'm having such a hard time of it. I don't know what to do. The college I wanted to start at in January won't/ can't process my financial aid papers and even though I work 2 jobs I still don't make enough to cover the cost of my fees. That is depressing enough without everything else on top. I think I fell in love and shouldn't have. It is a bad situation to be put in when you have to chose between the one you love, who just so happens to be your best friend in love with someone else, and your life, the one you are scared to live. I am so scared of having regrets, of making the wrong decisions. I still haven't left Citrus County. I am a bum. I yearn to be free. Free of this place, of these people, of all these things that have accumulated in my life. But the responsibility drags on me and my concsience. I think of how easy it would be to get into my car with some clothes and my wallet and just drive away from here and never see these people again and I yearn for it. But the fear holds my soul back. I am considering joining the Air Force just for the hell of it, for some help getting out of this prison. But the fear of dying, of the unknown, of being around people I don't know holds me back too. I miss my family. I see them all the time, but I miss living with them. I miss waking up with them, of yelling at them, of hugging them. I miss the tears, the laughter, the games, the fun we had. Now all there is in my life is silence. I am so alone. I feel like I have no one. I think of the kids I went to school with and what they have done with themselves and made of themselves so far and I am jealous and scared at the same time becuase when I do happen upon someone I knew, they are so different from the person I used to know. If anybody has advice, I would appreciate it and have open ears. |
|
|
| Ruination of the opposite sex |
[Jul. 22nd, 2006|04:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  rejected | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Coldplay- The Scientist | ] |
Why is it that anytime I meet somebody I really like a lot, I go and ruin it by being an ass or doing something stupid? The funny thing is subconciously, I guess I don't want a guy in my life, But everyday I wake up lonely, I go to bed lonely, I live lonely. I am the epitome of lonliness. I want that special guy, I want the cuddling, and the comforting touch, and the loving little gestures, and the hot glances. I guess that I'm not attractive enough for any guy to really like. What the hell am I pissing and moaning about? I don't know. I guess the long silences have finally gotten to me. Everyday I just want to cry. I have nobody. Even my family hardly ever wants to talk to me. Am I just a miserable bitch? Somebody please tell me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it? I'm as nice as I can be to everyone, my managers love me, I get along great with customers and all that jazz.
Maybe I just suck at human relations.
But I love everybody. I'm not a man hater or anti social. I'm just not likable.
|
|
|
| Nostalgia |
[Jul. 15th, 2006|01:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
"Look at this photograph. Everytime I view it, it makes me laugh."
Everytime I hear this song I think of all the great times I had in High school with friends and of all the times I missed. I could have done so much more and been so much better than I did. When I walked at graduation I cried for all the people I will never see again, and for all the people who will go on to do great things, and for all the people who will die honorable deaths in a war somewhere, and for all the people who will be sucked into the persuasion of the realm of drugs. I will miss you all.
I hope that this is the last time I ever feel like that about my graduating class. What is a body to do? |
|
|
| What a relief... |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|09:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Beethoven-Fur Elise | ] |
I have finally ended the 1 1/2 month long job search. I have become a waitress at the brand-new Huddle House in Crystal River. Come in any time and see what kind of sliced, diced, smothered, covered goods we have. I can't wait to start, I fear I've become a lazy bum just sitting around all summer. But that's not quite true. Almost every night I ride my bicycle everywhere in Crystal River. I come home every night with legs that feel like jello. But the endorphins are great.
I worked things out with my mom, I don't know if I ever mentioned that. My 18th birthday is coming up. August 5. I was born on Neil Armstrong's birthday. It's a Saturday and I can't wait. I can't decide what my major is going to be. I'm stuck between Nursing and Business Administration or Economics. I loved economics and what I learned in Mr. Nelson's class. The work was incredibly easy and I aced every test. But I love the aspect of helping others with Nursing. I was inspired by the death of my friend Shelbi Geer and her plight with the uncaring nurses she dealt with. They screwed up her meds, they didn't turn her and she got gangrene in her hips, and they didn't do dialysis like they were supposed to. It didn't matter that she had leukemia. Every life is savable given the amount of care that is in it. I love everybody. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|09:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Strangers in the Night- Frank Sinatra | ] |
Has anyone ever had the urge to just give up? I think I'm experiencing that right now. I'm living with my aunt in Crystal River, who in about 30 minutes is going for an MRI to check her brain for Alzheimers. Sometimes, when she can't remember things, I get really angry and want to scream, but I know that wouldn't be right and I regret my thoughts. But it's so hard not to be angry when sometimes I think that she's doing it all for attention. Ohh well. I started talking to my friends finally, Talked to my girl Meg Payne two days ago. We're going to get together sometime, I'm so excited that I got up the courage to actually call someone. Lately I've been in an aggressive mood. I don't know what is up with that, but I've figured out my aunt's unemployment and talked to the unemployment office supervisor. This may sound crazy, and I've never done anything like this before, but I'm currently working on my aunt's taxes. From scratch. All of her W-2s are gone and I have to call all her places of employment to ask for copies of them. It's going to be a worthy challenge. Maybe it will be fun. I don't know the meaning of that word anymore. I guess challenges and demanding things are my calling. It was great to hear from you Meghan. |
|
|
| well...... |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|10:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gone Daddy Gone ~ Gnarls Barkley | ] |
Yeah, it's been awhile. I've graduated from Good Ol' CHS with Honors. WOOOHOOO! Now what do I do? How do I fill days that were once filled with homework and friends and the stress of caring for 5 people and over 50 animals and keeping my grades up? I've moved out. At the first chance I got. I live in Crystal River now and will soon be moving into Spring Hill. Away. Farther away each time. Why is that? What urge am I having to be farther and farther away from my parents? I love my mom. She is my best friend. But lately whenever I call, she doesn't want to talk to me. She talks to other people while we are supposed to be talking. She completely ignores me and it pisses me off. Today when I called at times I knew she would be available, she didn't answer. I don't know. I guess it's just a falling apart of things. Of relationships. Of love. Just like graduation night. How many people will we actually see again? How many of our loved and trusted friends will actually keep in touch? I haven't seen or talked to any of my peers since May 24. Does that make me a bad person? I desperately miss my best friends; Meg, Theresa, Steve... I love you all if you can hear my thoughts. I just have to close an old and worn out chapter of my life and start writing a new one. I don't know how hard or easy it is going to be, but I know it will happen.
"I have seen yesterday, I love today, and I will live tomorrow." |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2005|05:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | postal service- iron and wire | ] |
definitely time to update. nothings new. I got a job at the pet store down the road from my house. I get to hold monitors and bearded dragons. pretty nifty little job. My family rescued a 7 mo. old female German Shepherd from Lake Panasofkee two days ago. Shes pretty cool. we named her sadie. that makes like 30 different pets at my house. wow. I miss all my friends. but thats to be expected. Im going to my uncles house in New Smyrna next week. can't wait. it'll be fun. this is a very boring summer. I have nothing to do at all, and I miss cody and I keep having this feeling that I want to go home, but I am home and Im so confused right now. ohh well. this is my last year ever at CHS and Ill be so happy to get away from the ignorance there. the people there make me sick. yea, so I watched this live8 thing all day on mtv and vh1 and then I added my name to their list and to their letter. I totally support their cause. the concerts were totally awesome, especially the madonna part. she is still gorgeous and can sing like an angel. oh well i think thats enough to get the idea across to you guys. |
|
|
| It's Been Awhile |
[May. 29th, 2005|09:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | because i got high- Afroman | ] |
Wow,
The summer has officially begun, and I've already started the bad habit of getting up late. I hope to keep in touch with all my friends either by phone or on the net. I hope you all have a great summer and don't forget all the fun times we've spent together. I know I never will. This is the first summer of my high school career that I am not taking any honors or AP classes,and it feels very wierd not to be. Oh well. I can't wait to get out of the hell hole of citrus county and on with my life. |
|
|
| what else is new? |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|05:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Game over - lil flip | ] |
So what else is new in my life?
I think I have a new boyfriend. We went to prom together in a limo and everything. It was awesome. I'll never forget it for the rest of my life.
We're going to the fair together but we haven't really decided if we're actually "going out" or not, but it'll be fun no matter what happens. I hate Mr. Harper and don't care if I pass his class or not. I love chemistry and was inspired by Mr. Bingham to do something in the field of science. I am most likely going to join the Air Force and get out of this Hell Hole of a county.
I got this totally awesome invitation to go to D.C. for this Global Young Leaders Conference. It costs $3,000 to go and covers all costs. I really want to go but don't have the funds to go. I really need some sponsors or something like that, someone that could help me pay for the trip. I don't know what to do. If anybody could help me I would really appreciate any advice at all. |
|
|
| Nicole |
[Feb. 25th, 2005|09:39 am] |
|
You need to update |
|
|
| hacker |
[Feb. 25th, 2005|09:37 am] |
|
I'm going to prom( I think) I dunno who with, but I'm going. I think I have an idea of someone who will ask me, but im not sure. I miss seeing you guys around school, and I miss the great times we had together. i'll see ya around Johanna. |
|
|
| chutes and ladders |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|06:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | postal service- clark gable | ] |
Definitely time to update. hmmm.....
I'm working on homework now. I hate, no I loathe Mr. Harper's class. even though we had that 4 day weekend, I still didn't get all my stuff done. oh well, thats enough complaining. I saw mr. moto yesterday, and he's got this little gotee thing going on, so hot, anywayz my parents and I are going through this phaze, I hope we get through it soon, because I am on the verge of moving out. Don't know where to, but I'll do it. Other than school and parents, things are going ok. I think that now I regret breaking up with *cough cough*. Sometimes I feel so alone, then I'll start to cry, and i'll think about the times we had, then I'll get depressed. my days are sad, if they could be a color, they'd be grey or black. I want a Puke Orange day or some other color. ttyl. |
|
|
| When it rains in my heart, it pours blood. |
[Jan. 28th, 2005|06:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | postal service- such great heights | ] |
definitely time to update. hmmmmmmm. not going with JK yoohoo, not going with mr. moto either, not legally anyways, and not going with anybody else. I don't need a guy, i don't need a girl, i don't need batteries. I need a back massage. Anyways, i fell today in 4th block, i was outside the cafeteria, and i was standing on a table, and i fell off, and caught myself on the brick wall thingy, and my shoulder blade popped out of place. that was fun, i almost wet my pants i was so scared. lol school is such a trip for me. sometimes, nearly all the time, i choose not to commment on your journals, my friends, not because i don't care, but because sometimes i don't know how to respond. i love you guys, but i am scared by my response to your anecdotes. oh well, la i have to go. |
|
|
| Where have all the brownies gone? |
[Jan. 16th, 2005|07:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sugar sugar- the archies | ] |
Where have all my brownies gone? what brownies? oh yeah, the ones I forgot to make! he he he. anywho, my mom is finally going to let me get my permit/license thingy , whoo hoo, got myself a truck, my grandfathers old one, and its totally awesome. I am not allowed to do anything, and I think that I am going to be a nun for my job when I get out of school. i am so sheltered from anything REAL in my life, and when I was watching the national Geographic channel my stepdad made me turn it because it was too serious. It was only on the BIG BANG theory. wow and he thinks that's too serious for me. he he he HA! I am bored to tears right now, literally. I am bored to tears everyday. I think my act of teenage rebellion is going to be to have sex before I'm married. (which i'm totally committed to not doing) lol, hope yall have had a great weekend. |
|
|
| I think I can I think I can I think I can! |
[Jan. 14th, 2005|05:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sumblime | ] |
You know what? I havent seen steven since before xmas break, someone tell me where he is and where I can find him at between classes. wow :P |
|
|
| here i am again, yet another day of lonliness |
[Jan. 12th, 2005|07:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
my life is so tiring, all i ever do is sleep, read, and do homework. What is up with that? anyways I'm glad that i have a slut and a cheerleader on myside!!! I feel that I need my parents approval for everything that I do, I'm sorry its just the way I am. I'm in englihs now, it's 7:40 in the morning, and I already have a headache. wow hey guys guess what:::?? I need a life too!!!! wohooo. Maybe we can all go out sometime! and get lives!! |
|
|
| What in the hell was I thinking? |
[Jan. 9th, 2005|01:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | somewhere beyond the sea | ] |
wow. What motocross guy? :) he he he, things got kinda hot but we still talk, I saw him the day after christmas, it was his birthday, then I left to go to the beach, got back the day before school started, and have been busy ever since. He was talking about marriage, i'm not interested in marriage, and he told me that he loved me, which I find hard to believe, because he's always been a slut (sorry nicole) and is only out for the sex. Granted we have a strong physical attraction, I'm not willing to throw my life away for some sex, which i'm not probably ever going to have. Oh welll. you guys are the best. last night I had a dream about Nicole and Tristan, I thinks you two are going to go for a long time.... You'll last you make a good couple. I don't know about having another boyfriend. People are shocked that I haven't got another one yet, but I don't see anybody at school that I like, and the one guy that I do like (motoX guy) my parents don't approve. they won't even let me talk to him on the phone, but he wants me to skip with him one day, i dunno..... |
|
|
| poke-a-dots in the sky!! |
[Jan. 8th, 2005|09:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | prelude to a kiss- billie holiday | ] |
Definitely time to update. Just sitting here watching The Witches of Eastwick, and trying to write an essay on controversy and crap like that. I finally finished Melissa's novel for her, and gave it to her on the 1st day back. Missing having class with all my young friends, but i'll see you guys around and stuff, so thats good. Wow!! I can't believe that JK and I are finally over, its great not having to answer to anybody, and i love being single. (not that i'm going with anybody else or looking for that matter) i really need to keep up my updates (lol) |
|
|
| PUKE!! |
[Dec. 8th, 2004|06:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Billy Idol- don't you forget about me | ] |
OMG I am so sick of being sick. I need to update anyways. I wasn't in school today because I have the flu/stomach virus again, except this time much worse. I have a doctor appt. tomorrow, and I am possibly getting immunity shots. I am not allowed on for long because I'm seriously nauseous. Love to all, and have fun in BST. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
depechemode101's journal
morose